The Art and Science of Happiness - Solved assignment - Week 7

 

Photo credit - Freepik

Tasks for the week (Happiness in relationships)

1. Read Chapter 5. “A New Model for Intimacy.” - His Holiness the Lama, Dalai and Howard C. Cutler. The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living
2. Read Chapter 10. “Positive Interpersonal Relationships.” - Peterson, Christopher. A Primer in Positive Psychology
3. Do friendship maps exercise
4. Discuss what makes for a good romantic relationship
5. Discuss healthy relationships with parents
6. Write two questions about this week’s topic

Task 1 - Chapter 5. “A New Model for Intimacy.” - His Holiness the Lama, Dalai and Howard C. Cutler. The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living

Summary

In the Dalai Lama's hotel suite, I (Howard Cutler) asked an unexpected question: "Do you ever get lonely?" His simple answer surprised me - "No." He attributed it to viewing people positively, fostering openness by overcoming fear and apprehension. His key, he explained, was compassion, a profound realization of its value, leading to an automatic change in attitude.

This revelation challenged my belief in the ubiquity of loneliness, supported by psychological studies. Loneliness, widespread across age groups, is associated with communication difficulties and poor social skills. The Dalai Lama's approach, however, emphasized cultivating compassion to create positive connections.

The discussion shifted to intimacy, a paradox in our culture that celebrates independence yet yearns for connection. The Dalai Lama advocated closeness with as many people as possible, challenging the Western emphasis on exclusive, romantic relationships. He shared his own experiences of openness, connecting even with those considered ordinary.

Exploring the multifaceted definitions of intimacy, from physical closeness to sharing one's innermost self, I realized its subjective nature. Cultural and historical variations in intimacy concepts emerged, urging a broadened perspective. The Dalai Lama's model encouraged courageously expanding our definition, embracing diverse forms of connection for a happier life.

In contemplating loneliness, compassion, and intimacy, the Dalai Lama's wisdom illuminated a path to meaningful connections, challenging conventional beliefs and encouraging a profound shift in perspective.

Task 2 - Chapter 10. “Positive Interpersonal Relationships.” - Peterson, Christopher. A Primer in Positive Psychology

Summary

The chapter delves into the profound impact of love on well-being and its biochemical basis involving oxytocin. 

Zick Rubin's Love Scale is a psychological tool designed to measure the romantic love between individuals. The scale covers multiple aspects of love, including emotional attachment, caring, intimacy, and passion. Researchers and relationship experts use scales like this to explore different types and dimensions of love, contributing to a better understanding of the complexities of romantic relationships.

Attachment theory, championed by John Bowlby, posits that emotional bonds, established in infancy, influence well-being throughout life. Secure attachments correlate with better emotional regulation and healthier relationships. Emotionally focused couples therapy, validated for troubled couples, encourages flexible expression of needs based on attachment theory. 

Best friendships are marked by reciprocity and sustained positive emotions, supporting equity and attachment theories. 

Successful marriages manage conflicts positively, highlighting the importance of accentuating the positive for relationship longevity. Divorce outcomes include depression and physical illness, especially impactful with children involved. 

Exercise - 

Choose a person with whom you are close, and then start keeping track of how you respond whenever she relays some good news: "I just got an A on my term paper!" "My softball team won the tournament!" "My diet is working!" Do this exercise long enough to discern a stable pattern.

Do you respond enthusiastically, asking questions and sharing in the glory of the other person? 

Do you do this much more frequently than any other sort of response? If so, you are displaying active-constructive responding, and you probably already have an excellent relationship with this person. 

If that is the case, choose another target for this exercise. Find someone to whom you do not typically respond in this way. You may care deeply about the person, and your critical reaction may stem sincerely from your love. You may not want your child to get a big head, you may not want your spouse to be disappointed if the good news heads south. But a steady stream of "constructive" criticism or tempered enthusiasm will take a toll because that is all that the person hears from you. Accordingly, resolve to respond to every piece of good news in an active and constructive way. Keep track of what you do, and make sure that the number of active-constructive responses outweigh other responses by at least three to one.

Most of the good news you hear from someone you love warrants enthusiasm, so let it show, and see what happens to your relationship. 

Task 3 - Friendship maps exercise

The key idea from the book is that your relationship journey should go through Maturity, Aspirations, Perspectives, and Struggles (MAPS) to point you in the right direction.

Objective

To deepen understanding and connection within the friendship by exploring individual and shared aspects related to Maturity, Aspirations, Perspectives, and Struggles.

1. Maturity

1. Reflect on your own maturity level and what it means to you
2. Consider your friend's maturity level and how it complements or contrasts with yours
3. On the Friendship Map, mark a point that represents where you see yourself on the maturity scale
4. Draw a line to your friend's point, indicating where you perceive their maturity level.

2. Aspirations

1. Think about your personal aspirations, goals, and dreams
2. Discuss with your friend their aspirations and what they hope to achieve
3. Mark your aspirations on the Friendship Map
4. Connect your aspirations with your friend's, symbolizing shared goals and mutual support.

3. Perspectives

1. Share your perspectives on key aspects of life, such as relationships, career, or personal growth
2. Explore your friend's viewpoints and how they see the world
3. Use different colors or symbols on the Friendship Map to represent the diversity of perspectives between you and your friend
4. Discuss areas of agreement and celebrate differences.

4. Struggles

1. Open up about challenges or struggles you are currently facing
2. Encourage your friend to share their difficulties
3. Mark the areas of struggle on the Friendship Map, using a distinct symbol or color
4. Connect these points, symbolizing mutual support and understanding during tough times.

        Closing

• The Friendship Maps can serve as a visual reminder of the depth and richness of your friendship
• Consider revisiting the maps periodically to track changes and celebrate growth together
• This exercise promotes open communication, understanding, and empathy, fostering a stronger and more resilient friendship.

Task 4 - What makes for a good romantic relationship

I tried looking at how different cultures look at romantic relationships

Chinese/ Japanese/ Indian

1. Respect for parents and elders is crucial. A good romantic relationship involves mutual respect for each other's families

2. Avoiding conflicts and maintaining a harmonious atmosphere. Convey their feelings through non-verbal cues, gestures, and subtle expressions

3. The opinions of parents and family members hold significant weight, and a good romantic relationship often involves gaining their approval

4. Compatibility in cultural beliefs and traditions

5. A good romantic relationship involves a commitment to long-term partnership

6. Facing challenges together are valued aspects of a good romantic relationship

7. Matchmakers plays a significant role

8. A romantic relationship is often seen as a precursor to marriage, and the goal is to build a family unit

9. Involves harmonious interactions with extended family, friends, and the broader social network

10.  Willingness to make personal sacrifices for the relationship

11. Astrological compatibility is important when seeking a romantic partner.

12. Participation in cultural rituals and traditions is common

Finnish

1. Strong emphasis on equality and independence

2. Direct communication style. Open and honest communication is essential in a romantic relationship

3. Spending time outdoors such as walks in nature, camping, or engaging in outdoor activities together.

4. Shared responsibilities and decision-making, promoting a sense of inclusivity

5.  Being reliable and keeping one's promises are highly valued traits

6. The changing seasons are celebrated in Finnish culture, and couples often engage in seasonal activities together

7. Silence is often comfortable in Finnish relationships. Enjoying quiet moments together is seen as a natural part of the connection

British

1. British culture places a high value on humor and wit. A good romantic relationship often involves shared laughter and the ability to find humor in everyday situations

2. Effective communication is crucial in British relationships

3. Emphasizes the importance of individual independence. Both individuals are encouraged to maintain their personal interests and friendships.

4. Socializing, often in the form of going to pubs or social events, is a common aspect of British relationships

5. Britain has a rich cultural history. Sharing a love for books, music, theater, or art can be a bonding experience for couples

6. Tea plays a significant role in British culture, and sharing a cup of tea is often seen as a comforting and intimate activity

8. Traditional manners, observing social niceties and etiquette are valued

9. Traveling and exploring new places together

French

1. Priority to maintaining a sense of excitement and intensity in their relationships. Expressing love through grand gestures and cultivating a romantic atmosphere are valued

2. French culture places a high value on art, literature, and intellectual pursuits. Couples may bond over a shared appreciation for cultural activities, such as visiting museums, attending theater performances, or enjoying literature

3. Food is central to French culture, and sharing meals is an important aspect of romantic relationships

4. Sharing a bottle of wine or toasting with champagne is a common practice in romantic relationships

5. Physical displays of affection are common and considered natural expressions of love

6. Intellectual compatibility is valued in French romantic relationships

7. Emphasis on fashion and style. Couples may take pride in presenting themselves well, and sharing a sense of aesthetics can be an important aspect of their romantic connection

8. French couples often enjoy weekend getaways and travel

Task 5 - Healthy relationships with parents

Some steps to build healthy relationship with parents -

1. Communication

- Active listening. Give your parents your full attention when they speak, and show that you value their opinions

- Express yourself clearly and honestly and in a respectful manner

2. Empathy and Understanding

- Try to understand your parents' perspectives. Empathy is crucial in building connections, even when you may not agree on everything

- Be patient and recognize that your parents, like everyone else, have their own challenges, experiences, and emotions

3. Quality Time

- Spend quality time together. Whether it's sharing a meal, going for a walk, or engaging in activities you both enjoy, these moments can strengthen your bond

- Make an effort to be present and engaged during your time together. Put away distractions like phones and focus on the interaction

4. Respect Boundaries

- Understand and respect each other's personal boundaries. Everyone needs space and privacy, and acknowledging these boundaries fosters a healthier relationship.

5. Appreciation and Gratitude

- Express appreciation for the positive aspects of your relationship. Acknowledge the efforts your parents have made to support and care for you

- Regularly express gratitude for the lessons and values they've instilled in you

6. Conflict Resolution

- Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Learn healthy ways to resolve conflicts

- Focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on the problems

7. Support and Encouragement

- Be a source of support for your parents

- Celebrate their achievements and milestones

- Show genuine interest in their goals, aspirations, and concerns

8. Individual Growth

- Encourage each other's personal growth. Recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of each family member

- Support each other's pursuits and be understanding of personal development journeys

9. Apologize and Forgive

- Apologize when necessary

- Learn to forgive. Holding onto grudges can strain relationships, and forgiveness is essential for healing and moving forward

Task 6 - Write two questions about this week’s topic

What are the strategies to build relationships with gen z?

What are the strategies to build relationships with our grown up/ married children?

I asked my relatives to send me questions. They were so nice sending me so many. Grateful to them.

1. How important are Trust, Transparency and Faith in achieving Happiness out of a Relationship?
2. If a parent fails to give time to the child, can the parent expect love and care during their old age?
3. How does positive thinking play a role in a happy interpersonal relationship?
4. Relation with parents - What is the key component of the bonding between children and parents? Is it happiness?
5. How to create long lasting happiness out of relationships?
6. Does upbringing by parents play a role in maintaining a healthy relationship with parents?
7. What skills are required to foster.....relationships?
8. What does it mean to have a positive interpersonal relationship?
9. How can we show kindness in our relationships?
10. Why is listening important in a friendship?
11. How can we resolve conflicts peacefully with our friends?
12. What does it mean to respect someone in a relationship?
13. How can we support our friends when they are going through tough times?
14. Why is it important to communicate openly and honestly in relationships?
15. What are some ways to show appreciation to our friends?
16. How can we build trust with others?
17. What role does empathy play in maintaining positive relationships?
18. How important is trust in a romantic relationship?
19. What role does effective communication play in maintaining a healthy romantic relationship?
20. How can couples cultivate mutual respect for each other in their relationship?
21. What are some signs of a healthy romantic relationship?
22. How do partners navigate differences and conflicts in a relationship?
23. What are some common challenges that couples face, and how can they overcome them?
24. How can couples keep the romance alive and maintain intimacy in their relationship?
25. What are the benefits of spending quality time together in a romantic relationship?
26. How do couples support each other's personal growth and individual goals while being in a relationship?
27. What are some red flags or warning signs that indicate an unhealthy romantic relationship?
28. What makes a good relationship between parents and their kids?
29. How can talking nicely help parents and kids get along?
30. Why is it important for parents and kids to treat each other well?
31. How can we make sure everyone knows the rules in the family?
32. What should we do if we have an argument with our parents?
33. How can we show our parents that we're thankful for what they do?
34. Why is it important for parents to understand their grown-up kids?
35. Why is it good to try to understand how someone else feels?
36. What can we do if we disagree with our parents about something?
37. Why is it important to keep being close to our parents even when we're older?
38. Does parental neglect & indifference in one's growing up years affect one’s capability to develop relationships?
39. How does childhood trauma affect relation building capability?
40. How does betrayal from dear ones affect relations?
41. What happens to the state of mind of a person who is betrayed by a dear one

Two questions related to earlier assignment - Depression

Do we have cases of depression from history and mythology?

Is depression just a twisted reality or some chemical imbalance in the brain?