Picture credit - IMDB
Day 56 - Interpersonal Skill
4 June 2020
sirurp@gmail.com
My learning for the day
Today I want to summarise two movies about interpersonal skills. The first one is about Negotiation Skill and the second one about Conflict Management Skill. Grateful to IMDB.
I dedicate this piece to my old colleague and friend Narendra Borwankar who would often tell us - “How you say something is more important than what you say.” This advice applies to each interpersonal skill, whether it is Negotiation, Conflict management, Assertiveness, Refusal, Influencing/ Persuasion, Networking or Motivation.
Movie 1 - The Godfather (on negotiation skills)
The Plot
“I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” - this is a famous line from the Godfather, Vito Corleone.
The movie is about the Godfather’s life as the head of the Sicilian Mafia operating in New York.
Vito is a powerful man, and is kind to all those who give him respect but is ruthless against those who do not.
When a powerful and treacherous rival wants to sell drugs and needs the Don's influence for the same, Vito refuses to do it.
What follows is a clash between Vito's fading old values and the new ways which may cause Michael (Godfather’s son) to do things he was most reluctant in doing and wage a mob war against all the other mafia families which could tear the Corleone family apart.
There are many instances in Vito’s life when he has to negotiate on behalf of those who come to him asking for help.
This movie, in my view, is a full fledged ‘negotiation skills’ course for us.
1. Gather information - Vito Corleone, the Godfather, asks his son Michael to thoroughly investigate his rivals. During negotiations, the most delicate and most important stage is the exchange of information, before making any proposals
2. Be confident, be assertive - Vito is not afraid to say what he thinks, and he says it without trying to please the other party, but also trying not to offend
3. Be patient - Reaching an agreement quickly is not so easy. Vito sits back, remains silent for a long time and listens to the counterpart before making a decision
4. Leave your emotions aside - When we sit down to negotiate and make a decision, we should try not to let our emotions have an influence on us. Michael Corleone would say: “it’s not personal, it’s strictly business.”
5. Don’t lose sight of your interests or your “vision” - Vito gets a proposal to enter the drug trafficking business, refuses because his real goal is that his businesses become legal. Vito places his objectives over potential economic benefits
6. Build relationships - Good negotiators establish relations. They have a belief that everyone in the world is a potential ally and could be of help whenever there is a need during their negotiations. Vito constantly asks for favors, develops friendships, and builds up relationships of loyalty.
7. Make offers they won’t be able to refuse - It is about learning how to present the right proposal that will satisfy both parties, so that the offer will be truly irresistible.
Movie 2 - Living Aikido Life (on conflict management skills)
The Plot
Living Aikido Life is a film about human relationships, respect, love, and peace-making.
Ten world renown Aikido teachers share insight into how Aikido can be a beneficial way in achieving peace.
There are six facets of the aikido-conflict metaphor according to Judy.
Resistance - My initial reaction to adversity is to resist it
Connection - In aikido, I connect by moving toward the attacker and joining my energy with his. In life, I connect when I accept that the problem exists. Connection is the first step toward resolution
Practice - At first, my action is unskilled. I make mistakes, and I practice and refine my approach. Aikido practitioners refer to this refinement process as “getting on the mat.” The mat is the place where we meet to learn and hone our technique and practice confidence and presence
Discovery - Through steady practice, I gradually find myself in new territory, where the realization of how little I know catapults me into a land of discovery. I become a learner. As I move from resistance to curiosity and wonder, my practice becomes fun
Power - Discovery brings a new kind of power because it is aligned with energy. This new power increases in direct relationship to flexibility and empathy
Teacher - Finally, I notice that conflict has become my teacher. My difficult relationships have taught me flexibility and assertiveness. Through adversity, I have discovered new perspectives and insights. In aikido we say, “The attack is a gift of energy.”
xx
If you have time, watch Marjoe. It is a life story of Marjoe Gortner who became a great persuader through his mesmerising speeches in his role as Christian Evangelist Preacher at the age of 4.
My learning so far on this topic
Day 6 post - Eric Bern’s Games people play
Day 16 post - How to Express Feelings... and How Not To
Day 26 post - Negotiations skills - BATNA
Day 36 post - Two TED talks - How motivation can fix public systems & The secret to giving great feedback
Day 46 post - Two books on Interpersonal Skill - Influence without authority & Compelling people (the hidden qualities that make us influential)
What is Interpersonal Skill?
Interpersonal Skill is an ability to recognize and understand other people’s moods, desires, motivations, and intentions.
These skills are part of interpersonal skills -
Negotiation skills
Conflict management skills
Assertiveness skills
Refusal skills
Influencing/ persuasion skills
Networking skills
Motivation skills
How to improve this skill?
Set a goal to become a go-to person by mastering the art and science of interpersonal skill.
Follow the LAST model to build your personal brand as a Guru of interpersonal skill.
Learn - Invest time in learning different frameworks/ models/ techniques of interpersonal skill
Apply -
Identify a model suitable to you
Create a template to document the flow of the process
Find opportunities to use the selected method/ template
Maintain record/ process flow of every important activities you did with respect to interpersonal skill
Maintain notes of your thoughts/ insights/ failures/ challenges…. to be used for sharing/ training others
Share - Share the insights captured in step 2 above in a planned manner (social media posts, blogs, videos, study notes…)
Train - Generate opportunities to train your peers and team members so that, over time, your organization benefits from your efforts
Purpose of this document
I took a 66 day challenge to study Life Skills last year (10 April 2019). To my astonishment, I succeeded in studying for 66 days one skill a day.
My objectives of learning these skills were - To strengthen my mind to face life’s challenges with ease, To use these skills in my worklife for a better performance, To use these skills in my personal life for enriching my relationships, To open new possibilities to surprise myself.
This is my next 66 day challenge (from 10 April 2020) - To share my Life Skills learning with my social media friends.
I pray that my toil helps you in your success journey.
What are Life Skills?
UNICEF defines Life skills as - psychosocial abilities for adaptive and positive behaviour that enable individuals to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of everyday life. They are loosely grouped into three broad categories of skills
- cognitive skills for analyzing and using information,
- personal skills for developing personal agency and managing oneself,
- inter-personal skills for communicating and interacting effectively with others.
Which LifeSkills are covered?
The World Health Organisation identified these basic areas of life skills that are relevant across cultures:
1. Decision-making
2. Problem-solving
3. Creative thinking
4. Critical thinking
5. Communication
6. Interpersonal skills
7. Self-awareness
8. Empathy
9. Coping with emotions
10. Coping with stress.
Some trivia
‘Life skills’ was never part of the school curriculum. WHO/ UNESCO mandated academia to teach these skills in all schools across the globe in 1993.
Different countries educate their children in these skills with different objectives
- Zimbabwe and Thailand - prevention of HIV/AIDS
- Mexico - prevention of adolescent pregnancy
- United Kingdom - child abuse prevention
- USA - prevention of substance abuse and violence
- South Africa and Colombia - positive socialization of children.
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