Picture credit - Brené Brown on Empathy
Day 28 - Empathy
7 May 2020
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sirurp@gmail.com
What is Empathy?
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
This is a nice quote that explains the difference between Empathy and Sympathy -
“Empathy is walking a mile in somebody else's moccasins. Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt.” ― Rebecca O'Donnell
My learning for the day
Types of Unempathetic People
1. The Dodger vs The Advisor - The Dodgers don’t know what to say. Their eyes dart, they change the topic, they check their phone… they do not know how to show empathy whereas the Advisors provide numerous solutions to your issues. They suddenly become an expert on everything
2. The Positive Picker Upper vs The One Uppers - The Positive Picker Uppers can’t help but paint a silver lining over your pain. They want you to look on the bright side whereas the One Uppers’ behaviour is - No matter what happens to you, there will always be someone in the world who has it worse
3. The Minimizer vs The Dramatist - The Minimizers look for ways to make the problem smaller so they can get out of the conversation whereas The Dramatists overreact to the news of distress
4. The Storyteller - Their typical response is - “Oh yeah, I know someone who went through something similar and here’s what happened….”
If you analyse their responses, you will realise that they all want to minimize your pain and discomfort. But do not achieve their objective.
So what’s the best way to empathise?
Action 1. Just listen and be there
Action 2. Connect with their feelings (walk a mile in their shoes, think what you would feel in their situation)
Action 3. Acknowledge their pain (convey “I am there for you”, either verbally or just by touch, if your culture allows)
Action 4. Show them love - Don’t ask what you can do to help. Just do something.
My personal story about sympathy and empathy
Last year we had formed a community of veteran women to coach/ guide career women.
One of the common issues faced by the coachees was - no one gave them jobs after their maternity break.
I felt sorry for them, I felt angry about the industry and I felt helpless because I couldn’t find them a job. My inability to serve them weighed high on my mind.
I shared my suffering with a veteran friend, Rajesh Jain. He asked me, “Did you ask them why they did not get a job?”
This one question gave me a sudden realization that I was in sympathy mode all along and not in empathy mode.
Rather than being angry, sad, helpless, I should have identified if they needed any training/ hand holding/ confidence building... etc. And then take action to rectify the gaps.
I realised that sympathy is a passive act whereas empathy is a proactive act.
Hope my personal sharing helps you to convert your sympathy into empathy.
How to enhance this skill?
Set a goal to become a go-to person by mastering the art and science of Empathy.
Follow the LAST model to build your personal brand as a Guru of Empathy.
- Learn - Assign time to study different frameworks/ models/ techniques about Empathy
- Apply -
- Master a framework/ model that you like
- Find opportunities to use the selected method/ template
- Maintain record/ process flow of every important acts of empathy you did
- Maintain notes of your thoughts/ insights/ failures/ challenges…. to be used for sharing/ training others
- Share - Share the insights captured in step 2 above in a planned manner (social media posts, blogs, videos, study notes…)
- Train - Train others so that they benefits from your efforts
Purpose of this document
I took a 66 day challenge to study Life Skills last year (10 April 2019). To my astonishment, I succeeded in studying for 66 days one skill a day.
I had four objectives -
- to strengthen my mind to face the daily challenges
- to use these skills in my worklife for a better performance,
- tp use these skills in my personal life for enriching my relationships,
- to open new possibilities to surprise myself
This is my next 66 day challenge (from 10 April 2020) - To share my Life Skills learning with my social media friends.
I pray that my toil helps you in your success journey.
What are Life Skills?
UNICEF defines Life skills as - psychosocial abilities for adaptive and positive behaviour that enable individuals to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of everyday life. They are loosely grouped into three broad categories of skills
- cognitive skills for analyzing and using information,
- personal skills for developing personal agency and managing oneself,
- inter-personal skills for communicating and interacting effectively with others.
Which LifeSkills are covered?
The World Health Organisation identified these basic areas of life skills that are relevant across cultures:
- Decision-making
- Problem-solving
- Creative thinking
- Critical thinking
- Communication
- Interpersonal skills
- Self-awareness
- Empathy
- Coping with emotions
- Coping with stress.
Some trivia
‘Life skills’ was never part of the school curriculum. WHO/ UNESCO mandated academia to teach these skills in all schools across the globe in 1993.
Different countries educate their children in these skills with different objectives
- Zimbabwe and Thailand - prevention of HIV/AIDS
- Mexico - prevention of adolescent pregnancy
- United Kingdom - child abuse prevention
- USA - prevention of substance abuse and violence
- South Africa and Colombia - positive socialization of children.
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