Picture credit - Carousell
Day 46 - Interpersonal Skill
25 May 2020
sirurp@gmail.com
My learning for the day
Today I want to summarise two books on interpersonal skills. Thanks Roffey Park Institute for recommending the books.
I dedicate this piece to Naresh Purushotham, a mentor to hundreds of managers, including me. Naresh specifically asked me to cover Influencing skills in this post. I bow to his wish.
I thank Keith Williams II for providing a distinction between Influencing skill and Persuasion skill - Influencing is the ability to make someone do something through the use of one’s resources (wealth, social status, or power). Persuasion is the ability to make someone do something through the use of words.
Book 1 - Influence without Authority
Getting work done requires political and collaborative skills especially when you do not have direct authority yet you are accountable for the results.
Cohen and Bradford’s ‘Model of Influence without Authority’ deals with this situation.
This model of influencing starts with ‘assuming that all are potential allies’ and then navigates the path through these milestones - clarifying goals, diagnosing the world of allies, identifying relevant currencies to be exchanged with the allies and trading the currencies to ‘influence the outcome through give and take’
The book talks about different kinds of currencies exchanged (what you give and what you get).
Inspiration related currencies - these currencies reflect inspirational goals that provide meaning to your work e.g. vision, excellence etc.
Task related currencies - these currencies are directly related to getting the job done e.g. resources, support needs etc.
Position related currencies - these currencies indirectly aid your ability to accomplish tasks thanks to your enhanced position e.g. importance, contacts etc.
Relationship related currencies - these are related to strengthening the relationship with someone that helps accomplish the task e.g. personal support, acceptance by others etc.
Personal currencies - these currencies enhance your sense of self e.g. ownership, self image etc.
The key theme is to make each ally central
And the key actions are -
Assessing ally’s power over the resources you need to accomplish results,
Identifying currencies that are required to build relationship with the ally,
Trading the identified currencies to influence the outcome you need from the ally
While doing all this, we must recognise some negative currencies that the allies do not value e.g. not giving recognition, making lack of cooperation visible, threatening to quit the situation, escalating issues upwards, attacking ally’s reputation etc.
To summarise - The book explains how to get cooperation from those over whom you have no official authority by offering them help in the form of the “currencies” they value. The model helps you cut through interpersonal and interdepartmental barriers, and motivate people to lend you their support, time, and resources.
Book 2 - Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Makes Us Influential
Displaying warmth with strength is key to making us more influential.
Warmth (Research suggests we decide the warmth of another person in 1/10th of a second)
Warmth is the perception someone cares for us. We distrust people’s motives who lack warmth.
Warmth ironically comes from strength. If we feel threatened, our warmth is hidden away.
Strength
Strong people exude a sense of inner ability. Without the warmth we may respect them, but we may not like nor trust them
Warmth with Strength
We need both to be effective. Too much Strength creates fear, distrust and separation. Too much warmth creates a perception of weakness.
The three influencing strategies - Be assertive, but not angry; Get tough for the sake of good of others; Dial up the warmth, not tone it down (Strength comes from warmth. Warmth comes from strength)
Factors that drive perception of our strength and warmth
There are many aspects that help define our perceived strength and warmth. For example - Cultural differences, Sex, Race, Age, Body shape, Gait, Energy levels, Facial movements/shape, Eye movements, Language, Tonality, Accents, etc. (examples - Black women leaders are criticised more than black men or white women; Stereotypes stick - ‘Why Obama doesn’t dare become the angry black man’)
We need to be aware of these biases.
Assessing our warmth/strength
Some of the things to assess - our body language such as posture, gait, hand movements, eye contact, smile, voice, words, language, humour, storytelling, confidence level …
And then working on it will bring out the best in you.
Strength and warmth in the world
Managing others – Do so from a place of warmth not strength. Warmth is a more respectful and conducive way to get things done — not threats and aggression.
Sales – Use both strength and warmth to get the sale. Start all warm, then become tough.
Marketing – Project a clear personality studying strength versus warmth matrix.
When things go wrong – Start with warmth of humility, followed quickly by the strength of how we are going to resolve the situation.
xx
Should you need to watch some videos about this topic, here are 5 TED Talks That'll Make You More Persuasive. Thanks Alyse Kalish.
What is Interpersonal Skill?
Interpersonal Skill is an ability to recognize and understand other people’s moods, desires, motivations, and intentions.
These skills are part of interpersonal skills -
Negotiation skills
Conflict management skills
Assertiveness skills
Refusal skills
Influencing/ persuasion skills
Networking skills
Motivation skills
My learning so far on this topic
Day 6 post - Eric Bern’s Games people play
Day 16 post - How to Express Feelings... and How Not To
Day 26 post - Negotiations skills - BATNA
Day 36 post - Two TED talks - How motivation can fix public systems & The secret to giving great feedback
How to improve this skill?
Set a goal to become a go-to person by mastering the art and science of interpersonal skill.
Follow the LAST model to build your personal brand as a Guru of interpersonal skill.
Learn - Invest time in learning different frameworks/ models/ techniques of interpersonal skill
Apply -
Identify a model suitable to you
Create a template to document the flow of the process
Find opportunities to use the selected method/ template
Maintain record/ process flow of every important activities you did with respect to interpersonal skill
Maintain notes of your thoughts/ insights/ failures/ challenges…. to be used for sharing/ training others
Share - Share the insights captured in step 2 above in a planned manner (social media posts, blogs, videos, study notes…)
Train - Generate opportunities to train your peers and team members so that, over time, your organization benefits from your efforts
Purpose of this document
I took a 66 day challenge to study Life Skills last year (10 April 2019). To my astonishment, I succeeded in studying for 66 days one skill a day.
My objectives of learning these skills were - To strengthen my mind to face life’s challenges with ease, To use these skills in my worklife for a better performance, To use these skills in my personal life for enriching my relationships, To open new possibilities to surprise myself.
This is my next 66 day challenge (from 10 April 2020) - To share my Life Skills learning with my social media friends.
I pray that my toil helps you in your success journey.
What are Life Skills?
UNICEF defines Life skills as - psychosocial abilities for adaptive and positive behaviour that enable individuals to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of everyday life. They are loosely grouped into three broad categories of skills
- cognitive skills for analyzing and using information,
- personal skills for developing personal agency and managing oneself,
- inter-personal skills for communicating and interacting effectively with others.
Which LifeSkills are covered?
The World Health Organisation identified these basic areas of life skills that are relevant across cultures:
1. Decision-making
2. Problem-solving
3. Creative thinking
4. Critical thinking
5. Communication
6. Interpersonal skills
7. Self-awareness
8. Empathy
9. Coping with emotions
10. Coping with stress.
Some trivia
‘Life skills’ was never part of the school curriculum. WHO/ UNESCO mandated academia to teach these skills in all schools across the globe in 1993.
Different countries educate their children in these skills with different objectives
- Zimbabwe and Thailand - prevention of HIV/AIDS
- Mexico - prevention of adolescent pregnancy
- United Kingdom - child abuse prevention
- USA - prevention of substance abuse and violence
- South Africa and Colombia - positive socialization of children.
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